The Mindset Shift That Helped Me Stop Chasing Someone Else’s Version of Success

For years, I lived by checklists I hadn’t written for myself. Good grades? Check. A “respectable” job? Check. Reliable income? The same. On the outside, it seemed like I had my life together. But inside? I felt restless, like I was wearing someone else’s shoes and pretending they fit. It took me a long time to realize the problem wasn’t my effort; it was the definition of success I was chasing.

Success wasn’t the problem. Chasing someone else’s version of it was. And once I made that mindset shift, everything—from my career to my relationships to how I spend my weekends—began to align. If you’ve found yourself questioning why your achievements aren’t bringing you the fulfillment you expected, you’re not alone. This isn’t about quitting your job tomorrow or tossing every goal you’ve mapped out. It’s about redefining success on your terms.

Below, I’m breaking down the steps, realizations, and practical shifts that can help you stop chasing someone else’s vision of success and start creating one that feels like yours.

1. Recognizing the Signs You’re Living By Someone Else’s Blueprint

Most of us don’t even realize we’re chasing a version of success that isn’t ours. After all, messages about what’s “worthwhile” begin early, from parents, peers, pop culture, and beyond. By the time we reach adulthood, those expectations have merged into background noise we barely notice. If you’re feeling exhausted, doubtful, or disconnected despite working hard, it might be time to examine whether the life you’re building reflects your own priorities or someone else’s.

Looking back, here’s what tipped me off:

I kept seeking validation. If I didn’t hear “good job” or get some form of acknowledgment for my accomplishments, it felt like they didn’t count.
I avoided reflection. The thought of sitting down and asking myself honestly, What do I really want?, made me uncomfortable. Why? Deep down, I knew my answers might not match the path I was on.
I felt stuck in “shoulds.” I confused obligations or traditions with genuine goals. From pursuing certain careers to following specific timelines, my actions felt prescribed.

If any of this sounds familiar, ask yourself, Who decided these goals for me? Was it a well-meaning parent? A younger version of yourself with different priorities? Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.

External validation can quickly become something we depend on, says Manhattan Wellness. While it feels good in the moment, constantly seeking it can lead to anxiety and disappointment when it’s missing.

2. Defining Success on Your Own Terms

Here’s the tricky thing about success: if you never pause to define it, you’ll spend your time chasing what others tell you it should look like. For me, it took serious self-reflection to rewrite the question from Am I successful? to What does being successful mean to me?

Try this activity to start your definition:

Write down five things that matter most to you (e.g., meaningful work, personal freedom, strong friendships, creative expression).
Ask yourself how these priorities influence your current definition of success. Are they well-represented? Or is there a gap between what you value and how you measure success?
Imagine your future self at 80 years old reflecting on your life. What accomplishments, relationships, or choices would they be most proud of?

One thing became abundantly clear when I did this exercise: my previous “success” relied heavily on titles and superficial benchmarks. But success, for me, truly meant designing a life that matched my values of creativity, autonomy, and connection.

When your values and actions connect, the result is a sense of flow and authenticity you can’t fake.

3. Overcoming the Fear of Redefining Success

The hardest part about making any mindset shift is the fear of what might happen if you stray from the “safe” path. Will people judge you? Will you face setbacks? Will it work?

Here’s what I can tell you from experience: yes, stepping out of your comfort zone feels risky, but clinging to a life that doesn’t fulfill you feels riskier the longer you stay.

To move past fear, consider these thought experiments:

Best-Case, Worst-Case Scenario: Imagine the best possible outcome of pursuing a change that feels authentic. Then imagine the worst-case scenario. You may find the risk doesn’t loom as large once you mentally explore it.
Reverse Regret Test: If you don’t make changes, how will you feel about this decision five years from now? Sometimes, regret from not acting outweighs the fear of acting.
Start Small: Redefining success doesn’t mean revamping your entire life overnight. Start by adjusting one thing that doesn’t align with your values. For example, is there a commitment you can drop? A project you can approach differently?

By reframing fear as one piece of a bigger process, it becomes something navigable rather than something that stops you altogether.

4. Learning to Tune Out External Noise

If defining success on your terms is the goal, then tuning out the noise of comparison is the superpower you’ll need to get there. Social media, career milestones from peers, even casual conversations with family, can unconsciously reinforce standards that don’t resonate with you. To stay focused, you’ll need to set boundaries—not just with others but with yourself.

Here’s what’s helped me:

Social Media Breaks: If scrolling makes you feel behind, it’s time to reassess who and what you’re following. Muting accounts that trigger unnecessary comparison can bring back perspective.
Check Your “Why.” Whenever you’re tempted to say yes to something, ask, Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think I’m supposed to?
Trust the Long Game: It’s easy to feel like you’re falling “behind” when everyone else’s wins are public. Don’t forget, your goals and timeline are intentionally yours.

One habit I’ve developed is celebrating wins quietly. It’s easy to equate success with public acknowledgment, but there’s something grounding about learning to feel content with your progress, even if no one’s clapping in the moment.

Studies suggest that social comparison is one of the biggest drivers of dissatisfaction, especially when scrolling through idealized representations of others' lives online.

5. Building a Life That Reflects Your Unique Values

When you stop chasing other people’s success, the possibilities for how you can shape your life expand. It becomes less about copying a pre-set formula and more about building something deliberately. For me, that’s meant everything from creating flexible work boundaries to spending more time on creative hobbies I used to view as “pointless.” These tweaks don’t seem revolutionary, but they’ve brought balance in ways that were lacking before.

A grounding way to approach this is to use a concept I call the Life Inventory:

Choose 2-3 areas in your life you’d like to align more with your values (e.g., your career, relationships, or health).
Write out what changes could reflect those values better.
Commit to one specific change this month. It could be something small, like attending a new class or saying no to a project that feels misaligned.

The beauty of creating a values-driven life is that it shifts your focus from outcomes to enjoying and appreciating the process. Success stops being a summit to reach and becomes something you define through your everyday actions.

Pulse Points!

Question the blueprint. Ask yourself if your current goals truly reflect what matters to you or if they’ve been handed down by someone else.

Define success. Make it personal. Map out what you value most in life and build your goals around those priorities.

Start small. Real change begins with micro-adjustments; you don’t have to overhaul everything overnight.

Resist comparison. Social comparison is a thief of contentment. Focus on progress, not appearances.

Celebrate quietly. Find joy and fulfillment in your own wins, even when they’re not visible to others.

By shifting the way you think about success, you give yourself permission to live a life that feels uniquely yours. Remember, alignment feels better than approval, and success is far more rewarding when it’s rooted in who you truly are.

Final Thought

You don’t need to throw your life into chaos to stop chasing someone else’s version of success. Sometimes, it starts with a quieter move: changing how you define it.

If this resonates with you, consider this your permission to pause. To check in. To question the default settings and recalibrate what success looks like for you. No shame. No rush.

Just the beginning of a story that feels a little more like yours.

Brian's passion for writing drives him to create informative and thought-provoking content. He aims to inspire and educate readers with his work. He is committed to perfecting his craft and pushing the limits of what can be achieved with writing.